A new decade.

The way I started this decade was actually an odd one, because I was late.

No, I didn’t miss the start 2020 because I slept through it, in fact we (my boyfriend and I) didn’t make it to the place where we wanted to be in time because 40 minutes earlier I had spontaneously decided to start making pudding-filled croissants and they weren’t done in time. We missed our destination by a 150 metres, but at least the croissants turned out better than expected!

See, the New Year is often marketed to all of us as the start of a new you. There are also a lot of superstitions around this “magical” evening of change and good resolutions, and some think that the way you start the year will define the path it will take. Let’s be real, though – the only magical thing about it is that the combination of getting drunk and using fireworks and lots of different explosives is still seen as the average concept of making this a great night. (I guess the loss of an eye or a limb is something that makes you “new”?).

I’ll stop being a buzzkill for now. You do you, just have fun and stay save, please.

While I’m not a big fan of classic resolutions I think this time of the year is a great opportunity to think about your life in general, look back at the past year and try to get a clear mind on where you are on your journey and which way you want to go from here.

Looking back at my own past year I gotta say, the majority of it was shit. Not because something exceptionally bad happened, but I was in a very bad state of mind for the majority of the time for multiple reasons. During summer I decided it was about time to consult a therapist, and I can honestly say that that was the best decision I’ve made within the past year. In my opinion, everyone should go to therapy, but that thought deserves its own blogpost (and I’m eager to write it!).

One of my most important realisations since then was that the ilusion of control is probably the biggest factor for my overall frustration. Yes, there are things that you can change, influence, work around, but in the end you still don’t have complete control over it. And to accept that fact is… hard.

If you’re even just a little bit like me, you know exactly how that feels. I prefer to do things on my own, I hated group projects in school with a passion, and it almost always turned out to be a justified feeling – if I don’t do it myself there’s an incredibly high chance it won’t work out.

But the truth is, even if I honestly try my best and give everything I have, there’s always a chance that things go wrong. Because as soon as there is ANY other factor than yourself involved the only thing you have left control over is how you deal with it.

And exactly that’s my big project for 2020. Right here, right now as I’m sitting in my living room and writing this, there are more unknown variables to the next 3 months of my life than the ones (I think) I know. Not even knowing the options I might have feels like a big vacuum to me and quite frankly, it’s pretty terrifying. There are so many big changes in front of me that all interact with each other, so I can’t even take a wild guess where my life is going.

The only thing I can do is work on myself to quit my bullshit.

I want to stop telling myself the lie that I can control these things and that I’m a failure if it doesn’t work out. If I try my best but I don’t succeed, that is okay. The only thing anyone could ask of me, especially myself, is for me to try.

I want to work on myself, actively change my thinking patterns and the way I react to things, especially if they don’t go the way I want them to. Because I have a hard time to accept it, but in the end, acceptance is a skill I have to learn.

As long as I have this goal in mind, as long as I honestly try, I simply can’t fail.

I’m not superstitious, but if my start into this decade would decide where my life is going, it would turn out quite good. Spending it alongside my loved ones, taking little misfortunes with an amused eyeroll and feeling positive about the future.

There are good things to come for all of us.

Happy New Year!

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Cynder AryanI have no idea what I am doing, seriously!
Cosplayer who wants to enjoy life and spread some happiness.
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